LENT: The holiday, not the gunk in your belly button

For anyone that doesn’t know, I’m Catholic. But it’s one of those things where I call myself a Catholic mostly because of tradition rather than strict belief. I’m Pro-Choice, I advocate the use of condoms, and I think ‘To Catch a Predator’ should have an “All Catholic Priest” episode….. Anyway, Lent is upon us and that’s the time of the year where for 40 days and nights we sacrifice something to honor Jesus. Examples are: cigarettes, coffee, sex (way to trip at the finish line Josh Hartnett).

One of the other rules is no meat on Friday, which I always found ridiculous. According to my Grandma, it used to be fasting on Fridays… then it was no meat for all of Lent… and finally it became just no meat on Friday. Out of all the religions, I think we have the weakest set of rules. Lent is the time of year where we pay homage to Jesus for fasting for 40 days while being tempted by the devil… and the best we can do is give up meat on Fridays? If I was a savior that went without food for that long only to have someone say:

Catholic: “Hey, great job Jesus! Listen, we’ve been thinking and we decided in order to honor your greatness we’re going to exclude meat from our diet for 6 Fridays in a row.”

Jesus: “Wait, so you’re just giving up meat on Fridays? You do know I just went 40 da…”

Catholic: “Now before you start worrying, we think we’ll be alright… Well we gotta get going and indulge in a little sin. Let us know if you need anything!”

Jesus: “Actually I am kind hungry and…”

Catholic: “Cool! We’ll keep in touch! Thanks for the sacrifice!”

As a man , I’d be a little upset… as a messiah, I’d be pissed. Let’s remember the fact that during Jesus’ time meat was a luxury not everyone was blessed to have. That’s like if 1,000 years for now this conversation happened:

Dad: “Okay kids it’s Lent. Now in order to remember the struggle of Jesus, we’re not popping bottles of Cristal for 6 Fridays in a row.”

Kids: “Awww Dad, thats sooooo hard. Saint Diddy got to pop bottles during Lent!”

Dad: “Saint Diddy also bought his way into heaven and sent this country into another World War by bringing back disco”

I have a weird vision of the future… to wrap this up, here are the things I’ve decided to give up for Lent:

1) No junk food- I’m the Charlie Sheen of fast food.

2) No cursing or dirty talk in my apartment- my roommate and I decided this would be extremely difficult considering the stuff we say would make George Carlin cringe.

3) Fasting on Friday- I decided to take it old school. My Grandma would be proud, if she didn’t stop calling me a “pussy” for not fasting all of Lent. (Kidding! My Grandma would never say that… at least not to my face)

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY